Great Expectation.

I find myself thinking long on this lately...thinking deep. He moves through my days doing a work of redefining. The kind that alters mind and changes heart. I have such great expectations of Him. I am not alone. What passionate child of the King wouldn't when all life unfolds in her midst every day?He is worthy of such great expectation. I am waiting. I am looking for Him. I am watching for His hand to move in my life and the expectation of greatness brims over. I sense the check though and hear the whisper. There is learning to be done and so he begins to redefine my simple minded thoughts of His greatness. He asks me softly, isn't everything I do in your life great? Isn't every way in which I choose to move, a display of my greatness? Yes, my spirit begins to nod in understanding. My thoughts begin running and now I ask the questions...is it great only when it has met all my invented expectations? Is it great when it doesn't feel good? Is it great when it simply doesn't look that way to me or to anyone on the outside? In this moment I realize I have put limits on something which is absolutely limitless. A shallow heart and shallow emotions have written this definition of greatness, clothed in feel good experiences and trouble free outcomes. Unwilling to call it great, when in truth, greatness stems from it's very core. I want to look to You with great expectation every moment of my life. I want to look with the kind of expectation that is worthy of the Sovereign LORD of everything. The kind of expectation that this passionate child of the King is privileged to have.

You are redefining what your greatness really is...and I am listening. Boundless and limitless, it is You. It is both Your Being and Your grace poured out on me. I will recognize it all as great, every move of your hand, every loving provision, every pruning and shaping of my life. Every last thing.

I will lift up my eyes to you and I will have great expectation because it is who You are.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is Yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; You are exalted as head over all. 1 Chronicles 29:11

I, even I, am the LORD and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed- I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses declares the Lord, that “I am God”, yes from ancient days. I am He. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act who can reverse it? Isa 43:11-13

There is so much wrapped up this passage today. So many thoughts to ponder on, to inspire, to move the heart. Today I am hit hard from the beginning – “I am the LORD and apart from me there in no Savior.” Yes, I know that. Yes, I have learned that since the early days, when the mind was little and trusting. Those early days that brought forth the faith commitment to accept the Savior and secure eternity. It’s the growing - up days though, that reveal the many dimensions, the many ways in which I need saving.

Today the realization startles me. Apart from me there is no savior….who and what have I hailed as savior in my life? What foreign god have I allowed to sit on Your throne? And the list begins. Far too long for my liking. I’ve become quite accustomed to naming them as idols, fighting them relentlessly. But, today I am intrigued by the possibility of having hailed them as saviors. It’s one revolting thing to worship them, but to actually believe that apart from them I have no hope... have I really done that? What striking credit to bestow upon these impostors.

I love that my Lord will infiltrate my heart in whatever way necessary. He reveals all my ways and reaches deeply into me to sheer away false identities, exposing the reality in the bright light of His Truth. So, my list forms, likely to flesh itself out even greater as time moves on. For now, he has allowed me to see what is necessary for this moment, necessary for my refining. As usual I am reminded that when we are given much, He expects much of us. He has gifted me with this realization. His expectation weighs in with gentle urgency. Remove these foreign gods and place your full trust in Me. I am His witness, He is alone is God.

No person is my savior.

No man is my savior.

No job is my savior.

No amount of money is my savior.

No home or location is my savior.

No friendship is my savior.

No child is my savior.

No medication is my savior.

No number on a scale is my savior.

No refined image is my savior.

The LORD alone is my Savior. He sits on the throne and I am on bended knee. My life in all it’s frail imperfections is owed to Him and by His grace He crafts something of great value out of nothing.

These false saviors begin the process of being cast out. Their deceiving, powerless appeal laid barren in His light. Each now forced to face the Almighty, the one from ancient days, who's works can never be reversed and I humbly ask...Lord in this moment, please do an irreversible work in me.

Weeks have marched by. Seasons have come and gone and I find myself lured back to this space of release. Remembering how much I love to testify to His goodness. Remembering how much I need to testify to His goodness.

I find myself embedded deep in lessons of trust these days. Lessons that seem crafted especially for me. What are You preparing for me? Will I have the privilege of knowing? Are You sure this wavering soul can handle this journey? I begin with elementary responses to the invitation to trust. Fear of the outcome is heavy and I muddle through the river of emotions with whispered declarations, "I trust You". Again and again the words flow out, in a chant -like offering, soothing the wandering mind. Every statement lifted up gains confidence and heart desire. This becomes routine over the early days. Genuine trust in His goodness prevails. Days wear on though and He chooses to extend the lesson. It becomes necessary to weave a lesson in patience into the plan as this restless heart fights to chart her own course. The chant - offering somehow seems to have lost it's ability to encourage the fearful heart. The mind wanders back to the early questions - are you sure I am strong enough to handle the work You are doing here? What if Your outcome is not what my heart is desperate for? Will I trust you still? Will I trust You through the pain that is sure to follow? All my days of abiding with You...will they have prepared me enough to live out what I believe?

In the end, the prevailing Truths are simple in their nature. You are good. You are sovereign. Your ways are higher. You work all things for the good of those who love You. I gave my life to You a long time ago. It is still Yours. I will not take it back. Only now am I beginning to know what it means to live an abandoned life in the exceedingly capable care of the One who created me.

And so my chant - offerings deepen in trust and envelop me. I am Yours. I will go where You lead. I will do as You ask. And I find myself back where I began. Confident in who You are.

I trust You.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

For weeks I have been observing places throughout the house that bare the mark of little hands. Two year old leaves evidence of his presence on every hard surface. There must be some delight in claiming your spot and making your mark. Pencil on walls, muddy hands imprint bathroom sinks, creamy white paint accepts the stain of red, so artistic and free. With every new discovery, I exhale a heavy sigh, pondering how long it will take to once again scrub the sink, wipe the walls and paint over, trading his artistic masterpiece for mine. I remember how clean and fresh the walls once were. I am amazed at the coverage of two small hands. The walls are tired and dirty now. I imagine even they long for the cool wipe of water to flush over them and restore. My task appears to have no end in sight. No sooner is one wiped clean and another demands my attention.

Such is the condition of the heart, of my heart.

Little hands have not contributed to this mess though. Only I can take credit for these stains and smudges. Bigger, more experienced hands, that should know better choose to mark on the crisp, clean walls of my heart. The clean walls were a costly gift, generously laid out before me. I love them. But, like little two year old, I succumb to the temptation, lack of self control and disobedience. And my once clean heart finds itself tainted by undesired filth.

I gently hand two year old a water soaked sponge. One in my hand, one in his, we begin the work. He bends to his level and wipes clean the marks, water soaking and dripping down. Perhaps he remembers the fun that lead to the muddy imprints and color streaks, perhaps no memory comes to him. We work hard restoring what we can until satisfaction rests on us and the work is done. Stern, but gentle warnings to not repeat the offense fall on his little ears and land in his little heart.

A water soaked sponge will not do for my needy heart. I am handed the Word, soaked in instruction, love and grace. Do I remember the moments which lead to the many stains and marks? Some are fresh, some undoubtedly done with little thought of consequence. Heart bows in humble thanks and the Almighty Redeemer reaches right into me and wipes me clean, first and forever with His blood and then with His Word. And at once I find myself with the invitation to start fresh again. Stern, but gentle warnings fall on my ears and land in my heart as well. I am thankful for grace and Holy eyes that see deep into me and love me enough to wipe the walls clean.

If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

I am wishing I wasn't feeling the gnaw deep in my soul today. I am thankful that I have finally recognized it, but wishing even more that I had never given it reason to surface. Like slowly walking out of a cloudy fog, I find myself looking back over the days wondering where I allowed myself to go. Wondering why I chose to walk away. Were You wondering why as well, my Lord?

The familiar voice of deception woos me, inviting me to linger in the past and join him in his efforts to reshape me into my former self. He wreaks of condemnation.

Not today. I have come too far and I am too desperate and hungry for the Light. In the name of Christ, you, Deceiver will stay in the past.

So, today I am giving fresh thanks for the gnawing. I am asking that I never grow so accustomed to it that I can no longer feel it. I am asking to know You, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Almighty, the Everlasting One...better. Will You take me deep into Your heart? I know I don't deserve to go there, but I also know You would love nothing more than to take me there. What a gentle and tender nature You have which never contradicts and never fails.

I will not look back. I will not look back at the failure of the recent days. I will not look back at what could have been. I will not look back at the old self. I will keep my gaze fixed on You. You are leading me into Your glorious Presence. Submit and follow are the gentle commands I hear. Lord, I so want to be fit for the kingdom of God....Your kingdom. In Your merciful way please lead me there. I will do my best not to chart my own course. I will lay my life in your consuming hands.

I delight greatly in the LORD, my soul rejoices in my God. Isaiah 61:10a

Could I just sit here today? All day here, beside You? Could I just rest in Your illuminating Presence? This heart inside me must recognize it's Maker, it flutters at the mere thought of You. My spirit floats and my soul settles into deep peace at the mention of Your name.

I find You everywhere today. You are piercing blue washed across the sky. You are cool breeze brushing up against me. You are in the sweet smile of precious little ones. You are in the warm hand slipped lovingly into mine.

You are everywhere and you are right here...beside me. I won't pretend to understand it or search for words to explain it. I will just dwell in it. Oh, that I would not forget these feelings. What would the mirror reveal in this moment? It would paint unhindered expression and a girlish smile. It would tell of eyes welled with heavy tears of gratitude.

Amazing, Sovereign, LORD. Lord of the blue sky. Lord of the cool breeze. Lord over all creation.

Lord of my heart..... I give You all the glory. I give You my life. I'd like to sit here every day, with You.

Today I was simply amazed. I'm not quite sure why it surprises me every time, but it never fails to. Today He invited me to join Him. I accepted. The pleasure to serve was all mine and I hope it yielded pure pleasure for Him.

Today I was amazed at how He chooses to use me even when I don't give Him my best. Even when I whittle away precious time of preparation in worry and fret over the opinion of man. Even when I feel so inadequate and insecure, so unsure of this gift.

I was amazed that the Spirit responded to prayers that hardly seemed adequate and moved with all the power of a roaring ocean and all the gentleness of a quiet stream. He excessively exceeded all of my expectations. He always does.

Hearts were ready, softened and waiting for the blessings of surrender and again my heart looked on in amazement.

How precious were the glimpses of himself He so generously gave.

This pleasure of worship is ours for the taking every single day.

It is mine for the taking...a fresh gift laid on the table each morning with my name beautifully scripted on the tag.

Can I even fathom this foreshadowing of my eternity? Can I grasp that the most beautiful words and notes I cling to here on earth will pale in comparison to the offering that is to come?

I am simply amazed and humbly thankful. The kind of thankful that takes me to my knees, unworthy to even stand in His presence. Oh my precious Lord, the One who gives me this passion, who nurtures it and approves it, my heart loves...loves...loves to worship You. In worship I find myself. In worship I find You and I am simply amazed.

I will sing of the Lord's great love forever.... Psalm 89:1a