It's a new day, but the sun does not announce it in glory. Instead it is ushered in by rain and dark. It's heavy outside and I relate, tired and heavy in thought. I'm wondering how when you walked this earth You served so many... tireless,with a steady heart of obedience and passion?

What would it take for me to serve in this heart state? I'm wishing my first response would always be yes, with obedience and passion. I'm wishing my first response would never be sin. I find myself there too often. This love of mine flows free with intention, yet walks itself out with much more stumbling.

You are training this heart to be a first responder. To hear you and to move. To be your image bearer. To question less and serve more. A life layed down is free for taking up, by your mighty hands. Father keep me far from rationalization. Appearances deceive. Your power shows up when there seems to be no strength, no time, no desire, no heart. How much more would it show if this life was just layed down in total submission? Give me eyes to see, but further Lord, give me your heart so I may walk out these holy manifestations of You. Keep me from stumbling. May these hands and feet point to You,

El Roi ~ the God who sees.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many. Mark 10:45

While I was busy looking the other way, lost in all my thoughts, my heart did something that it's rather unaccustomed to, it settled. It didn't happen in a moment of revelation. It didn't happen in an intense outpouring of surrender, it just happened.

In early morning light my eye is caught by the soft, hazy blue of the sky, the breeze blows praise through the trees and my spirit whispers, thank you for this day. In this moment, this kind of every day -usually dances right past you moment-, He whispered right back, have you noticed your heart? Now that He mentions it, I have noticed this restful, content place of relief. I wonder back through the past few weeks and confirm it's been growing up, right here in MY own heart. Simple pleasure and satisfaction spread across my face. Isn't that just like His faithful nature to work and tend when I'm not even looking ? To reward my steady, non impressive efforts to hang on to Him... with such a grand prize. What love is this poured out on me?

Thank you Father.

Thank you for this day.

Thank you for this settled heart.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:1a

Today marks the end of a long journey or perhaps it's really only the beginning. This very weary soul is looking heavenward this morning, groping for the Rock, hoping my hand is secure on it. I wonder if I really ever know how firm the grip is until the testing comes. So, this morning I am waiting. Waiting for Your answer. Waiting for you to reveal the path you have chosen and decided with all authority and sovereignty. The path that is the highest and best for me...for this family.

I am carried back through this long journey and am left in awe of the refining and teaching you graced me with. Knowing now in this culminating moment, I would go through it all again just to be this close to You. The chance to question and search my thoughts of You, to seek Your meaning in it all. To love Your Word. To deeply understand the condition of my heart and it's desires. All I want is You. I say that with whole conviction and fresh passion, standing firm on these new understandings I have of Your ways. Less of me, more of You. Much less of me....

I don't know where today will take me in Your kingdom. The comfort comes in Your leading, not mine. Years past saw this immature, desperate heart crying out for something You simply did not give. The desire still lays deep there, but the grasping of Your sovereignty blankets it all.

This morning we praise You. In the early hours he and I steal moments to praise, laugh and hold each other up. I teach the three in toe to praise You. We sit together and lift our raw thoughts, fears and emotions to You. We end knowing our future is secure and purposed for Your kingdom. I am secure in Your will. Praise will permeate this morning, it will flood into this afternoon and give it's encore in the evening hours. It gives peace. It gently tends to my mind.

Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Psalm 16:5-6

There have been many tears here today, not all mine though. Today my heart, the mother's heart, was wounded and stretched fresh. All three little ones took turn today, emotion pouring out, raw and hurting. I call them all little, although they are not. As day begins, first born stops me at the top of the stairs. He lifts his eyes to mine and I am met with wide, glossed over, brimming eyes, begging for a release, a word, a comfort. We retreat together to solitude and the flood pours hard, proving pain knows every age and this growing son needs confidence giving words to sooth and build up. I can hardly bare his pain, I am so intimately familiar with it. I swallow hard to hold back my own flood. Father help me know how to encourage him. Help him find himself in You.

Hours pass and the chaos of the day has taken over. I am worn low and third born tests to the brink. I deliver harsh words. They sting and do their job. Tears flood, but beyond them I hear the crushing question from the littlest, "what did I do?"

He is genuinely confused. It is my turn now to crumble in tears. How gentle a word he needed, how far from that he received. I embrace him, quietly tear and pour out broken, imperfect love.

Father forgive me. Give me patience and unconditional love for this child.

Dark has finally blanketed. Stars are in their full glory and second born slips into bed beside me. He reveals fears that come at night, trapped deep in the mind. He frets down deep. I comfort and begin to pray aloud over him. One single tear streams down his perfect face the moment I call on Your name. I realize the depth of this fear in him and I weep, understanding what it is to release all emotion at just the mention of Your name. Understanding what it is to need You to rescue down to the very core.

Father protect his young mind from the evil that seeks to devour. Bring comfort to his tender heart.

Our tears reveal our desperate need Lord. This journey is impossible apart from you. Come quickly to us. Grant us Your wisdom and Your settling peace. These children belong to You. Hold them, protect them and sanctify them for Your glory while we wait...

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

Great Expectation.

I find myself thinking long on this lately...thinking deep. He moves through my days doing a work of redefining. The kind that alters mind and changes heart. I have such great expectations of Him. I am not alone. What passionate child of the King wouldn't when all life unfolds in her midst every day?He is worthy of such great expectation. I am waiting. I am looking for Him. I am watching for His hand to move in my life and the expectation of greatness brims over. I sense the check though and hear the whisper. There is learning to be done and so he begins to redefine my simple minded thoughts of His greatness. He asks me softly, isn't everything I do in your life great? Isn't every way in which I choose to move, a display of my greatness? Yes, my spirit begins to nod in understanding. My thoughts begin running and now I ask the questions...is it great only when it has met all my invented expectations? Is it great when it doesn't feel good? Is it great when it simply doesn't look that way to me or to anyone on the outside? In this moment I realize I have put limits on something which is absolutely limitless. A shallow heart and shallow emotions have written this definition of greatness, clothed in feel good experiences and trouble free outcomes. Unwilling to call it great, when in truth, greatness stems from it's very core. I want to look to You with great expectation every moment of my life. I want to look with the kind of expectation that is worthy of the Sovereign LORD of everything. The kind of expectation that this passionate child of the King is privileged to have.

You are redefining what your greatness really is...and I am listening. Boundless and limitless, it is You. It is both Your Being and Your grace poured out on me. I will recognize it all as great, every move of your hand, every loving provision, every pruning and shaping of my life. Every last thing.

I will lift up my eyes to you and I will have great expectation because it is who You are.

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is Yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; You are exalted as head over all. 1 Chronicles 29:11

I, even I, am the LORD and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed- I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses declares the Lord, that “I am God”, yes from ancient days. I am He. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act who can reverse it? Isa 43:11-13

There is so much wrapped up this passage today. So many thoughts to ponder on, to inspire, to move the heart. Today I am hit hard from the beginning – “I am the LORD and apart from me there in no Savior.” Yes, I know that. Yes, I have learned that since the early days, when the mind was little and trusting. Those early days that brought forth the faith commitment to accept the Savior and secure eternity. It’s the growing - up days though, that reveal the many dimensions, the many ways in which I need saving.

Today the realization startles me. Apart from me there is no savior….who and what have I hailed as savior in my life? What foreign god have I allowed to sit on Your throne? And the list begins. Far too long for my liking. I’ve become quite accustomed to naming them as idols, fighting them relentlessly. But, today I am intrigued by the possibility of having hailed them as saviors. It’s one revolting thing to worship them, but to actually believe that apart from them I have no hope... have I really done that? What striking credit to bestow upon these impostors.

I love that my Lord will infiltrate my heart in whatever way necessary. He reveals all my ways and reaches deeply into me to sheer away false identities, exposing the reality in the bright light of His Truth. So, my list forms, likely to flesh itself out even greater as time moves on. For now, he has allowed me to see what is necessary for this moment, necessary for my refining. As usual I am reminded that when we are given much, He expects much of us. He has gifted me with this realization. His expectation weighs in with gentle urgency. Remove these foreign gods and place your full trust in Me. I am His witness, He is alone is God.

No person is my savior.

No man is my savior.

No job is my savior.

No amount of money is my savior.

No home or location is my savior.

No friendship is my savior.

No child is my savior.

No medication is my savior.

No number on a scale is my savior.

No refined image is my savior.

The LORD alone is my Savior. He sits on the throne and I am on bended knee. My life in all it’s frail imperfections is owed to Him and by His grace He crafts something of great value out of nothing.

These false saviors begin the process of being cast out. Their deceiving, powerless appeal laid barren in His light. Each now forced to face the Almighty, the one from ancient days, who's works can never be reversed and I humbly ask...Lord in this moment, please do an irreversible work in me.

Weeks have marched by. Seasons have come and gone and I find myself lured back to this space of release. Remembering how much I love to testify to His goodness. Remembering how much I need to testify to His goodness.

I find myself embedded deep in lessons of trust these days. Lessons that seem crafted especially for me. What are You preparing for me? Will I have the privilege of knowing? Are You sure this wavering soul can handle this journey? I begin with elementary responses to the invitation to trust. Fear of the outcome is heavy and I muddle through the river of emotions with whispered declarations, "I trust You". Again and again the words flow out, in a chant -like offering, soothing the wandering mind. Every statement lifted up gains confidence and heart desire. This becomes routine over the early days. Genuine trust in His goodness prevails. Days wear on though and He chooses to extend the lesson. It becomes necessary to weave a lesson in patience into the plan as this restless heart fights to chart her own course. The chant - offering somehow seems to have lost it's ability to encourage the fearful heart. The mind wanders back to the early questions - are you sure I am strong enough to handle the work You are doing here? What if Your outcome is not what my heart is desperate for? Will I trust you still? Will I trust You through the pain that is sure to follow? All my days of abiding with You...will they have prepared me enough to live out what I believe?

In the end, the prevailing Truths are simple in their nature. You are good. You are sovereign. Your ways are higher. You work all things for the good of those who love You. I gave my life to You a long time ago. It is still Yours. I will not take it back. Only now am I beginning to know what it means to live an abandoned life in the exceedingly capable care of the One who created me.

And so my chant - offerings deepen in trust and envelop me. I am Yours. I will go where You lead. I will do as You ask. And I find myself back where I began. Confident in who You are.

I trust You.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10

For weeks I have been observing places throughout the house that bare the mark of little hands. Two year old leaves evidence of his presence on every hard surface. There must be some delight in claiming your spot and making your mark. Pencil on walls, muddy hands imprint bathroom sinks, creamy white paint accepts the stain of red, so artistic and free. With every new discovery, I exhale a heavy sigh, pondering how long it will take to once again scrub the sink, wipe the walls and paint over, trading his artistic masterpiece for mine. I remember how clean and fresh the walls once were. I am amazed at the coverage of two small hands. The walls are tired and dirty now. I imagine even they long for the cool wipe of water to flush over them and restore. My task appears to have no end in sight. No sooner is one wiped clean and another demands my attention.

Such is the condition of the heart, of my heart.

Little hands have not contributed to this mess though. Only I can take credit for these stains and smudges. Bigger, more experienced hands, that should know better choose to mark on the crisp, clean walls of my heart. The clean walls were a costly gift, generously laid out before me. I love them. But, like little two year old, I succumb to the temptation, lack of self control and disobedience. And my once clean heart finds itself tainted by undesired filth.

I gently hand two year old a water soaked sponge. One in my hand, one in his, we begin the work. He bends to his level and wipes clean the marks, water soaking and dripping down. Perhaps he remembers the fun that lead to the muddy imprints and color streaks, perhaps no memory comes to him. We work hard restoring what we can until satisfaction rests on us and the work is done. Stern, but gentle warnings to not repeat the offense fall on his little ears and land in his little heart.

A water soaked sponge will not do for my needy heart. I am handed the Word, soaked in instruction, love and grace. Do I remember the moments which lead to the many stains and marks? Some are fresh, some undoubtedly done with little thought of consequence. Heart bows in humble thanks and the Almighty Redeemer reaches right into me and wipes me clean, first and forever with His blood and then with His Word. And at once I find myself with the invitation to start fresh again. Stern, but gentle warnings fall on my ears and land in my heart as well. I am thankful for grace and Holy eyes that see deep into me and love me enough to wipe the walls clean.

If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9